The Worst Remake Ever

So one of my friends thought it would be REALLY funny to play an April Fool's Day prank on me and try to convince me that they're going to do a remake of Casablanca, my favorite movie of all time. Yeah, I know, not funny at all. But once I got over the joke-- haha to you, Bryan-- we had some fun coming up with the cast and crew of the worst possible modern remake of that most beloved classic film. Results below:

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Rick Blaine- Bradley Cooper

Ilsa Lund- Megan Fox

Victor Laszlo- Keanu Reeves

Captain Renault- Nicholas Cage

Major Strasser- Mel Gibson

Sam- Tracy Morgan

Ugarte- Shia LaBeouf

Directed by Michael Bay and Uwe Boll

Screenplay by Jeph Loeb

Soundtrack by Kanye West

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*DISCLAIMER TO ANY HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVE WHO MIGHT COME ACROSS THIS* DOING THIS WOULD BE A REALLY REALLY BAD IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let the nightmares commence.