"God created a few perfect people. The rest he made right-handed."
"People are so inevitably crazy that not to be crazy would be to give a mad twist to craziness." ~Blaise Pascal
"My fellow Americans, I am pleased to announce that I have just signed the new legislation outlawing Russia. The bombing will start in five minutes." ~Ronald Reagan
"I'm proud to be called a pig. It stands for pride, integrity, and guts." ~Ronald Reagan
"To err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer."
"There are two kinds of people. One kind wakes up and says "Good morning, Lord!" The other kind wakes up and says, "Good Lord, it's morning!"
"A friend will call you in jail. A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend will be sitting next to you in jail laughing hysterically and saying "THAT WAS AWESOME!""
"A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even though they know you are slightly cracked."